I create chaos. At least that’s what my first therapist told me. Looking at the number of kids Matt and I have, the unconventional ways we earn a living, the level of drama coming at us on any given week from our past partners, and the distance between our kids’ homes I would specify that it’s a high level of chaos. The way my conversation with my therapist landed there was through talking about how I’ve never had the mental space to do what I feel my lifelong purpose is. I create chaos to keep myself from doing it. Self-sabotage to the nth degree.
Examining the amount of challenges that have come my way is either pretty sobering or hits me as comical, depending on the day I’m having. If I wrote it all out, I would have a book. (I’m working on it.) Aside from the hardships that are not uncommon in childhood, I was barely into adulthood when I married the guy I had started dating at 15. I was always aware of what I wanted to do until I convinced myself I wanted to do the thing I actually did. College? Nah, I’ll start a family at 20. Music career? Maybe I’ll just work at the tanning salon again. Artist? Homeschool mom sounds more responsible. Self-care and survival? A Christian wife’s responsibility for staying in an unhealthy marriage no matter what is what God wants for me. (I sincerely thought the only exceptions were if I had been hit directly or had hard proof that he had sex with someone else.) And then music became the one desire I felt a constant pulsing from inside of me from childhood until now really. But first I would discover autism diagnoses and therapy for two of my babies. A surprise pregnancy that turned out to be surprise twins (landing me at 26 with 5 kids). A house fire where I lost everything but my family and, miraculously, a couple of boxes of memories. A move across states, and immediately losing all business I had built and it falling apart due to a scammy branding company. Losing those last two boxes of memories due to a flood. And a plethora of heartache in my marriage that led to my running to a real therapist for the first time as I quite literally gasped for air.
I finally found myself free of that relationship after almost twenty years of doing what I had been indoctrinated to believe was right by choosing gratitude (pushing down my hurt) and reframing difficult circumstances (blinding myself from seeing the reality of the situation). Two nearly two-decade heartbreaking eras overlapped leaving me with so much needed healing ahead of me. I was ready for it. I had already begun the work. How else would I have found my eyes open enough to realize I was allowed to leave? I was getting there. I am forever grateful for that therapist. I was lucky enough to allow the universe to bring me to the exact helper I needed in that season.
A little more work and I found a safe friend becoming something even more. Something I didn’t believe was real. The healing continued which allowed the possibility for love. I can’t honestly say “love again” because I'm not honestly sure if my first relationship was based on love or anxious attachment. Looking so far back I remember desperation, but never peace. And if you have read much about woundings and relationships, we attract the familiar. Their true behaviors fit our deep holes like puzzle pieces. I was concerned with whether or not I would unknowingly be drawn to someone who’s love would prove to be a fit for my childhood pain. I’m relieved to say I learned that if you sincerely work on yourself in therapy, you can begin to heal and become attracted to healthy relationships. Seven and a half years of being in a committed relationship with Matt and I’m finally sure that healthy love really can create a beautiful existence.
But where was I? Oh right. Chaos. The biggest mess of it all. The things we have faced and dealt with from Matt’s ex makes everything I have experienced until this point—all of the abuse I’ve endured over my entire life—feel inconsequential. Only three years of her behavior led me to EMDR at the urging of my therapist. Life changing. And as you can imagine (especially with the legal battles that have been thrown our way) I have been more than hesitant to even talk about this openly. Some of my Instagram posts where I wrote about therapy have been submitted as “evidence” for her claims that I am an unsafe person due to writing about receiving therapy for trauma. So… I’ve been left wondering if this is yet more chaos that I attracted into my life? I never could have known what I was walking into when Matt and I got married. I just know that I’m ready to attract something new…
CALM. Peace. Light. Dreaming.
And does the level of blocks I’ve created equate to the level of success I would have if I opened myself up? Not success in the way of money and fame, but success in spiritual and creative fulfillment. So I think I’ll try.
Less chaos. More openness and attracting my purpose.
Spiritual and creative fulfillment sound good and I hope you find it within reach. Real love will always get you through the day and I am glad you found it!