I used to teach. Over ten years ago I used to do one-on-one mentoring for amateur photographers. Granted, I didn’t consider myself an expert then and I definitely don’t now. I was lucky enough to have people who appreciated my work enough to ask if I would teach them about my approach. I genuinely love teaching or really what feels to me like just sharing my own thoughts, perspective, and little tricks I’ve picked up along the way from experimenting, by accident or in learning from others.
You would think this would make homeschooling make more sense for me, but it doesn’t really. It’s a challenge for me in the same way I don’t assume parents with a teaching degree and experience have it easier. Our kids don’t want to do what we tell them to do. That’s just human nature. I used to think I must not have done a great job of teaching my kids to listen to me the first time I tell them to do something. I have heard people fixate on that as being an issue of respect, which just didn’t sit right with me. Their behavior mostly feels more about them than about me.
I’ve heard some immensely helpful podcast interviews with Dr. Becky on Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things podcast. She teaches about parenting in a way that feels intuitively good and right. On this topic she talks about how our kids can feel safe enough with us to hesitate and open up to us about what feelings they are having instead of blindly and quickly doing what we instruct them to do. That especially hit home when she brought up sending them off with a caretaker they have never been in a place they have never been (an activity or class, for instance). Kids who listen on the first command without pausing have learned to quiet their own inner voices. What a revelation! I don’t know about you, but that felt reassuring and affirmed my Mom instincts. (If you’ve ever assumed a parent will 100% trust their own parenting after 20 years, think again.)
I believe that showing my kids that I do value their own feelings and experiences is incredibly helpful as they get older. While I don’t make decisions for them based solely on what they feel or want in any given moment, I do give it a lot of weight. It’s my guess that the vast majority of us were not allowed the freedom to strengthen our inner knowing. When people learn as little kids to trust themselves it gives them something beautiful. Something to fall back on when they are hearing too many voices and opinions or when something doesn’t feel safe. It’s still challenging for me to know when to ask if they want my input or when I feel it’s important to give it regardless. I like to think I err on the side of asking. They may see it differently. ;)
Giving parenting advice is a tricky game. And really I’m just sharing a little about my own view. But I will say that as my oldest three kids approach 20, 19, and 17 I’m blown away at how beautiful it is to observe the way they trust themselves. I can’t conjure up a more valuable trait for any human being. And, holy shit, the boundaries! Honestly, they inspire me to continue practicing my own boundaries. I often find myself apologizing for my lack of boundaries with them when I dish out my own opinions on things they share with me. That probably also has a lot to do with why they trust me as much as they do. I’m wildly grateful that, at least in this season, they share so much of the details of their lives with me. No amount of teaching and demanding respect will give you that result.
But what do I know? I’m still just a student when it comes to parenting. I have so much more to learn.
xo
Laura
Beautiful share! My kids are 24,22,21 and 18. There are times that I long for them to share more with me! And you're right, after many, many years of parenting, you still hesitate, one still doubts if ever we are getting it right.
very inspiring to me as the parent of a 10yo. i want to mom like this!